YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou