YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Thursday
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye