Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Trying
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business