“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!