Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here