Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.