Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
You Might Also Like
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.