Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair