Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.