@HeyoShellz: Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here

@GuyThe_Guy: You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your's.

@Rollinintheseat: If history has taught me anything, it's that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

@iGreenMonk: I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.

@weinerdog4life: Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.