@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@Twtercide: Me: I have a date tonight. Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn't a date. Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter....

@shadonium: Kid: What's a man? Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

@audipenny: Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it's like "well I better just go with it" and I begin sprinting at them

@HiddenPinky: ENTER PASSWORD > bench85 PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN. > bench285 BRO!