@AbbyHasIssues: Me: I hate math. Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

@ClichedOut: me: i trained my dog to talk her: let's see me: describe sandpaper dog: ruff me: the outer layer of a tree dog: bark her: this sucks me: that little rapper guy dog: bow wow

@Staggfilms: HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes? CLOWN: They hide under people's beds and murder them?

@jimmytorosian: Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you

@CornOnTheGoblin: [purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene] director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11