Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
oppen heimer style lol
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.