YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played