YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
You Might Also Like
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Can’t stop laughing
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.