@2HighBros: Yooooo you smart Brooooo
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@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"
@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
@ramenfuneral: me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit kid: did you die? me: hmm
@Wine_Charmer: You found a baby spider in here? -Yeah, but only one. *Googles avg # of spiders hatched* *eyes widen* Just. One? [Never. Sleeps. Again.]