“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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Well, that should do it
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge