Did you file your cat correctly today?..ππππ
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[inventor of frisbee]
βI hate this plateβ
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you β¦ a plane?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Get in, octopus. Weβre gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Letβs get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: β¦
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle π‘π‘
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I feel so bad for my cat, heβs sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby