Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
prepare for carbonated trouble
Every. Damn. Time.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
decorating my apartment
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.