You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.