I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
want me to check your oil?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life