you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
The photographer’s assistant
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here