You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
How to make infinite energy.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower