You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
HOW DARE YOU
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.