“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure