You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Meowchelangelo