You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…