midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer