Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things