My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.