A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My Guy
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.