“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Growing out my freckles.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I need to get some bricks…
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.