Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
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There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
This is why I hate group projects
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.