You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
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Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
love it when they get my name right
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.