You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.