good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
May never get over this
Happy Febuary everyone!
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”