Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
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My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Siri, fight Alexa.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.