Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Selfie
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking