@trevso_electric: You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I'll pay someone to get rid of you.
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@theevilwriter: Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn't going to get my floors washed.
@ArfMeasures: HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author? ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
@Marlebean: A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.
@Matt_The_1st: Me: yes, I'll take the free burger Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one Me: I only want one though, the free one