Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
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dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
LA today:
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
This why you should mind your business
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings