You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!