You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Always a housemaid, never a house.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Sniffing the broccoli
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
*ernest hemingway voice*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom