They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The three genders.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.