Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.