@JVarsityCaptain: Ladies, wonder if he's busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@loudmouth_usa: TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you? Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@BringDaNoyz: I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle's house and one of my cousins was like, "hey look it's bitcoin" and held up a piece of gelt that he'd taken a bite out of

@MacAnnabella: My friend's offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding. She's probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go :)

@POTerritory: Strange how FB doesn't automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,