you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.