[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.