“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying