japanese corn
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
United Steaks of America
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
tinder is all about the long game
based al yankovic
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.