You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …