You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-