You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.