“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.