“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Trumpy Cat
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
twitter users today:
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed