@jenlaw_11: "You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl
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@stephenjmolloy: [bill gates house] Bill: What's on at the cinema? Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see.
@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first.
@jennifereblue: I don't remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
@GimpySunshine: ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(