“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
the answer was staring at me all along
(Gaming support cat.)
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]