“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet