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@ZoeeSom: "You are what you eat."
I'm about 90% burrito.
@ILikeFaucet: Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you're 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that's a yes?
@SummerCandyEyes: My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.
*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard
@weinerdog4life: I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :(
@turtledumplin: Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?
@GoogleChamiya: If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping...