You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie