You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
How high do the levels go?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?